Apparently my brain functions like a percolator. I find myself frustrated as a stepparent, although I'm beginning to think that's just typical of being a stepparent. After all when the step-child is only around every other weekend, they're trying to transition from one set of house rules to the other, as well as transitioning from being essentially an only child to being thrown in the family mix with three step-siblings, and as a stepparent feeling like I have limited authority over the kid while he's under my care, it's frustrating all the way around. His shenanigans get under my skin quicker than my kids in some regards, simply because I am used to theirs, and have learned to tune them out. I haven't developed that level of familiarity with the Cub yet. I hope I get there relatively soon. I don't like feeling like I'm picking on him, but at the same time I don't correct him on anything I wouldn't correct my other three children over.
I've been mulling over an incident at Wal-Mart (oh yes the things that happen at Wal-Mart) that kind of made me jump back to another incident I never addressed with the Beau. He told me as we wandered through he was thinking about getting the Cub a Bowie Knife for Christmas. I gave him an are-you-fucking-kidding-me-look, and he went on to explain he didn't think the Cub was quite mature enough yet. My response was, "Considering the silver dollar size hole he put in my wall at the apartment with the pocket knife I gave him last year, I'd have had to be a little pissed off if you'd gotten him that." I got distracted by three overly excited spawnlings in the already overstimulating store and forgot about it the rest of the evening.
It seems I tend to sleep on things though, and in the morning I was thinking, this doesn't sit quite right. I realized it wasn't really the fact he wanted to get him a knife, as just what seemed an unnecessarily large and?extravagant?one. I decided had he said a nice Swiss Army knife, I probably would have had a different reaction. In fact I probably would have been o.k. with that, with only the simple admonition that I better not find him destroying property with it.
I had the same are-you-fucking-kidding-me-reaction a couple of months ago when we were at the gun counter at the Sporting Goods store. the Cub began asking when the Beau was going to get him a pistol. The Beau didn't really say anything, and the Cub kind of pushed it. I was waiting for the Beau to laugh and say, "Ain't gonna happen, kid." I was perplexed by his lack of response, wondering if this was something he'd already told the Cub he would get, or if the entitlement was a behavior that was being encouraged.
So to make a long story short, after running through a million and one ways the conversation could play out, I talked with the Beau tonight, asking him why he would consider getting a Bowie Knife for a 12 year old at all, because to me it is a wildly inappropriate gift for a child that age. He told me had the Cub not displayed the immaturity in the destruction he caused, he would have gotten it for purposes of hunting. And that before that the Cub had displayed maturity while handling hunting knives. I was incredulous, and told the Beau he didn't do a great job of displaying it while we were out hunting this year. I lost count of the number of times I had to tell the kid to put the hunting knife his dad let him carry away, both in the truck and out in the field.
The Beau agreed, and said he was baffled at why it had been an issue this time, when it wasn't the previous times he'd take the Cub out. I told him it was quite simple. He had three other kiddos to show off for. He was playing the bad ass, which is not atypical kid behavior, but as the Beau well knows, adopting a bad ass attitude and trying to act cool with weapons only serves to create more potential for someone to get hurt.
I told him I was raised with the same rules for knives that I was with firearms. They are a dangerous tool, NOT a toy, they're not there to make you look cool or to feel like a bad ass. The only time they should be out is if you are using or maintaining them. And when they are not being used or maintained they need to be appropriately stored. They are as dangerous as a firearm, if not more so because they are often underestimated, they are always loaded and armed, and they have no safety on them. ?The Beau agreed. I told him I would feel comfortable with a Swiss Army knife, because I couldn't possibly see what a 12 year old could need with a Bowie Knife beyond bragging rights at school. He mentioned he was thinking once the Hunter Safety program was completed, it would be a good thing to be carried in the field, particularly as a last line of defense against predatory animals such as mountain lions or bears. I told him maybe I'd feel differently about the size of the knife once I go through the course with the Cub and with K-Bug this year. I also asked him if it was a weapon he would consider giving K-Bug, and he replied as long as she displayed she could maturely handle it. So that's where I backed off, and agreed as long as that was the criteria, as long as we went through Hunter Safety, and the kids were both trained in knife safety by us, that I might be able to get over the sheer size. I'm not entirely comfortable with it, but the main thing is knowing they know how to utilize it safely and appropriately before it gets put in their hands out in the field.
As to the pistol, we are on the same page. There is no need for the kid to have his own. Neither of us are opposed to him learning to fire one, but he does not need one that is specifically his. That was a relief to hear.
I told him what I'd noticed, the real issue for me is this. With my children, he is absolutely age appropriate, sets great boundaries, and I love it. What I notice with the Cub, he treats him like an adult, and he's not one. The Cub already has a mom, where overall a good mother, on one hand treats him like and adult, allowing him to make decisions that are not age appropriate, and on the other hand babying and spoiling him. It's confusing for kids to get that. The best thing we can do in our household (because we have no control over how the Beau's ex-wife chooses to parent, and she's not doing anything to really harm or detriment him) is to be consistent and let him be a kid, which means sometimes we just simply say no, and that's not appropriate for your age. Also I work to discourage materialism with my children. And considering the Beau's marriage to the Cub's mom failed in large part due to financial conflict and rampant materialism on her part, that is not something I care to encourage in the Cub either. Affection is not measured in material gifts, or at least it should not be. The Beau seemed to have a little bit of a light bulb moment over that. So hopefully that's where we go from here.
Source: http://tempestspirit.blogspot.com/2012/12/its-step-parenting-thing.html
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